"My Personal Struggles" by Anonymous

According to the CPD telephone counselling I had two years ago, I suffer with anxiety. I was confused by this statement because I love being around people, I’m extremely sociable and I’ve never shied away from social situations. BUT. I realised that anxiety encompasses a lot more than that. I have a tendency to overthink, which leads to problems and conversations that haven’t even happened - except in my head. I end up upsetting myself for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I convince myself that someone might think a certain way and I believe it. It’s even led to me behaving coldly toward people, which is a dangerous thing. It’s not just the over thinking. I wake up feeling tense, my heart beating rapidly. It all stops when I get out of bed. I am better when I’m around people or keeping myself busy. When I’m alone with my thoughts it’s not always a good thing; it’s when I start overthinking.

I recently volunteered to act as a case study for a lady who is training to become an EAM Therapist, which is a self-help technique using an Energy Alignment method. She asked questions about my past and took me right back to childhood. During my time at junior school, my mum fell ill. She developed Schizophrenia. At the time, I didn’t understand. I just knew that she was behaving very oddly, doing strange things. I will never forget the evening when the paramedics turned up at our house and carried my struggling mum by her arms and legs into the ambulance. She was taken to a psychiatric hospital, where she was treated for several weeks. She doesn’t speak of that time now; neither will she ever be the same person that she was before getting ill. But then again, I guess none of us are the same after going through mental trauma. We have to be changed in some way.

It’s only been over the past three years that I’ve suffered a lot of trauma, and it felt like one thing after the other. It wasn’t just small events either. It was the loss of life and the loss of jobs. All the confidence I’d gained since my early twenties slowly disappeared. I began to feel unwanted, not good enough, a burden. I found it difficult reaching out to people because I didn’t want to bother them with my problems. I always assume that people are too busy with their own lives than to listen to my problems. I was at my lowest earlier this year. I’d lost another job. I felt so alone and turned to trying to hurt myself. I don’t know why. It gave me some sort of purpose. However, I became addicted to it. I knew I had to reach out. I couldn’t be alone. I wasn’t safe on my own. But the one time I did reach out, it became clear that I was encroaching on the person’s time. Again, I returned home and tried to hurt myself for getting in the way. It made me realise that people don’t always have this ‘open door policy’. They might promote it on social media, but they don’t necessarily mean it. It doesn’t mean to say that everyone is like that. I have a small group of friends who I know would answer the phone to me at 2am or invite me round for a comforting hug. It’s important to have friends and family who you can depend on during the difficult times, not just the good times.

Through all the struggles I’ve faced, it wasn’t the counselling that helped me through. It was me. If I give myself the time and energy that I deserve, concentrating on what matters most to me, I am able to lift myself back up. After all, I know myself better than anyone. I am the only person who knows how to make myself happy. Past experiences shape us, but do not define us.

#worldmentalhealthday2020 #depression #anxiety #letstalkaboutmentalhealth

If you, or anyone you know, are affected by mental health issues please seek advice from the mental health charity, MIND at: https://www.mind.org.uk/