For a while I have lived with mental health issues. I think I’m nearly at that stage where I’ve been with mental health issues longer than I haven’t - which is oddly a comforting milestone. I mean... I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I?
I still remember my first panic attack: I was in the stairwell at school, searching for my partner at the time. I had a rehearsal with the school play and he had said he would wait for me in the art department, but by the time I had finished he had left thinking that’s what I had done. My chest felt so tight, I thought I was going to pass out. I had been abandoned. It’s not like in those coming of age films where the pretty hollywood actress gasps with gentle, shallow breaths softly crying until eventually the warm, nurturing arts teacher finds her and comforts her. Actually... no one found me. At that point I had no coping mechanisms, no management strategies, and I was crumbled there for what felt like eternities trying to catch my breath and slow my heart down. I didn’t even realise I had been crying until I went to reception and one of the women behind the desk asked me what happened.
This definitely wasn’t my first run in with my mental health, but it definitely was the first time I realised I needed help. It was like the flood gates had been opened.
In hindsight, it does seem like a silly reason to get worked up over, but perhaps that’s because friends and family made it seem like I made a mountain out of a molehill. But at that time it was very real and very painful. I do have a strong fear of abandonment and being alone and it has taken years to realise that it’s okay to be on your own. I still have issues with dependency in relationships because of it. The panic attack I suffered then was just the flowers blossoming on a tree of issues rooted deep within me.
I am of the generation of kids who grew up with the internet. There were a lot of people my age and slightly older who really romanticised neurodivergance and mental health issues on sites like Tumblr and Deviant Art. Don’t get me wrong, it frustrated me and to an extent it still does. Why would anyone want to subject themselves to this? My physical health often declines in conjunction with my mental health because when I have a bad depressive episode I can barely move, let alone shower, brush my teeth, go to the toilet or eat. But on the other hand, I do almost have that to thank for finding help. If it wasn’t for me digesting all that information I probably wouldn’t have known where to start looking to get help for myself. I probably would’ve also felt more isolated and thought I was on my own if it wasn’t for that. There was a comfort to thinking that, even if I would never meet them, other people were struggling with the same things I was.
The relationship I have with therapy is definitely a love hate one. I tend to be offered sessions that are focused on managing the issues and growing in the long term. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely think I’ve learned some important things in those sessions, but they’re usually done after six weeks and six months later I slip back into the same issues. The management techniques only take me so far. I am about to start tackling the why’s in some upcoming therapy and hopefully get to the root of my issues. Honestly, the biggest piece of advice I give these days is research which types of therapy there are, sometimes your health provider can point you in the right direction, but it can be good to have your own idea of what you’re looking for.
I have tried to keep details for myself of things that I’ve found trigger me and possible reasons why. I won’t go into the whys as that’s still quite personal to me - also I’ve only just learned that the things I once joked about are actually quite traumatic and probably big reasons why I’m so fucked up (my words not my therapist’s). My ever growing list of triggers includes (but is not limited to): Being left on my own without warning Stress (honestly, still not sure what that even means) Yelling and raised voices (that is a sure fire way to make me cry) Thinking I’ve disappointed someone Making mistakes no matter how small PMS (which sometimes makes me feel really invalidated - I can’t help but think this entire time I’ve just made it up in my head)
The worst part of all is that I don’t feel like people can trust me. I do sometimes have to cancel plans last minute. I call in sick to work. I can’t always be trusted on my own. My current partner has to hide the razors and other sharp things from me when I start going down hill because he just can’t be certain I’m not going to try anything. Suicidal tendencies are a bitch. I get scared every time I go down hill because sometimes I worry it will be my last one.
But one thing I can always count on is that when I do come out of it, everything just seems that little bit brighter and more vibrant. I’m glad I’m still here. It does get better - if not forever then for long enough.
If you, or anyone you know, are affected by mental health issues please seek advice from the mental health charity, MIND at: https://www.mind.org.uk/
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