"Is Someone Getting the Best of You?" by Christopher Keddie

"Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction Oh, beautiful release Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty Oh, and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight"

- Sarah McLachlan, In The Arms of an Angel

The above lyrics always run through my mind when I think about my own personal experience with mental health. Nothing quite expresses how I feel as this opening verse does.

In the interest of full disclosure I feel that I should point out that I've never been officially diagnosed with anxiety. With that in mind you may well be asking how do I know I've got it. Well, how does a person who's fallen out of tree know that they've broken their arm? Because they're on the floor, screaming in pain with their arm at a funny angle.

But it's true that underlying my outward exterior of someone who is constantly pushing himself out of his comfort zone, there lies the inner voice of someone who is terrified that he's just not good enough. Where that feeling originates from, I can't be sure. But my anxiety is a product of this feeling of inferiority and also comes from the fear that one day I will fail monumentally enough that I just can't recover. To use a boxing analogy, it's the feeling that one day I will get hit so hard that I chose not to get back up again.

I feel this sense of low self-worth most prominently in my relationships with other people. It's a sad fact of life that as we grow as people we will inevitably grow apart from others, even those who we consider our friends. Most connections in life aren't really a matter of choice anyway, you know these people because you went to school with them, or went to the same college, or worked in the same building for a while. Nevertheless, as I look at the relationships that others have formed I feel the loss of these connections so deeply and can't help but feel that they might have survived if I had been just a little bit more...worthy. After all, some people are able to form close bonds that can last an entire lifetime, so why can't I? And so I over think every thing, I second guess my every action, I listen to criticism more readily than praise, all because I'm trying to find that better version of me where I'm there because someone chose for me to be there and not because they have to include me. And every time I fail to live up to this impossible standard that I have for myself I feel that the failure is entirely my fault and it sends me to a very dark and lonely place.

When I make a mistake at work (e.g. arriving late) my mind tells me it's my fault despite all of my intricate planning. When a friend is angry with me or just doesn't respond to me (e.g. text messages) my mind tells me that I've done something wrong, even if others tell me that I've done everything right. When people don't show an interest in what I'm doing the only conclusion I'm able to draw is that I'm just not that interesting. The voice that tells me that I'm just no good is cruel and relentless!

And so I withdraw into myself! I lock myself away in a darkened room and stare at the ceiling wondering if there is any point to me getting up each morning to face the day. I get caught in my own thoughts wondering if I could disappear and start over, wondering if I did would anyone notice that I'm gone. For the most part I can eventually break myself out of my musings when I have "some distraction" such as work or training. But sometimes, even then, it's hard to function and I smile and carry on but on the inside I can feel myself screaming.

The more time I've spent in Lockdown, the more alone I've felt and these feelings keep bubbling to the surface. My coping mechanisms were taken from me and I was left with far too much time to my own thoughts. I tried at the start to create distractions for myself, but as time passed they seemed increasingly pointless. The distractions weren't working and I was starting to feel more alone. After all, there's only so many times you can tell somebody "I'm not OK" before they stop listening, right?

Well, I'm not alone!

The truth is that not everything is about me which is one of the most freeing truths a person suffering from anxiety can learn to accept. We are all creating our own story as we go along and how we treat other people will say more about us then it does about them. A long time ago I decided that I will never let how someone treats me dictate how I treat others. With a little empathy, even the voice of anxiety can quietened!

Of course, it's not easy. Learning to accept that you are not responsible for how other people feel and finding the strength to look past your own ego requires a strength of will that few people possess. Even though I try to see everything from someone else's point of view, the sheer effort is exhausting and more than anything...I just feel tired. I know that I'm doing the right thing, but a part of me wants to scream; "Leave me alone, I've got my own problems to deal with! Why can't you see that?" I still have my dark days when it's hard to function, where my mind goes off in many different directions and won't rest. I feel responsible, like it's my job to find the answers, because nobody else can live my life for me and nobody else can take responsibility for how I feel. Fortunately, there is hope!

I've found that my anxiety is best treated through self care. It sounds clichéd but I need to be kind to myself. That means that I have to be totally honest with people even if it might make them feel slightly uncomfortable. Sometimes I have to say 'No' to people's requests to better serve my needs, instead of being a "Yes" man all of the time. Sometimes I have to ask difficult questions and share some hard truths in order to let go of feelings that are literally eating me up from the inside. And people really do appreciate that honesty because it gives them permission to open up themselves. I try new skills and I do things now because I enjoy them and not to try and impress people that I want to attract into my life because trying to do so doesn't really work anyway. And I accept that any undertaking that I choose, be it languages or learning an instrument, is about progression and not perfection. I have a few friends who I trust unquestionably because I've never felt like I have to 'prove' myself to them. Some are just a short car journey away, some I'm separated from by hundreds of miles and I may never see them again (though I hope with all my heart that I'm wrong about that). But what is important is that I know they are there for me. I value them and my family more than gold because I know that I haven't always been easy to live with, but they see that I am trying my best. In this world of uncertainty, that's all we can really ask of anyone, especially ourselves.

To finish off, I want to share one more segment from a song that helps me during the difficult times. I want to include it here because I believe it is good advice for anyone suffering from mental health issues. It goes like this:

"Hold it all together Everybody needs you strong But life hits you out of nowhere And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting Chained by your control There's freedom in surrender Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held."

- Casting Crowns, Just Be Held

Thank you for listening.

#worldmentalhealthday2020 #depression #anxiety #letstalkaboutmentalhealth

If you, or anyone you know, are affected by mental health issues please seek advice from the mental health charity, MIND at: https://www.mind.org.uk/